I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this, but the title of this blog is Elfi’s World yet there rarely seems to be any posts about game play information specific to Elfi. You may have also noticed that the ‘About’ section has said “coming soon” since the very first day. Neither one of these two things are like this intentionally; but this weekend I believe I realized they may be subconsciously related to each other. I don’t have anything to write about me because I’m just not sure where I’m at or where I want to be. On Saturday I finally began to realize just how not happy I am. That doesn’t necessarily mean I am unhappy or miserable… I just am not as happy as I was hoping to be at this point in the expansion. I had been excited about having a weekend where I had the time to stay at home and play as much as I wanted both Saturday and Sunday. The problem was, when I got up and logged in Saturday morning, I was all alone. No one in guild chat. Just like it had been Friday morning when I logged in. Just like it is a lot. And yes, since I work the midnight to 08:00am shift, my hours don’t quit match up as conveniently with others as they used to. But this isn’t about my hours. It’s about a broken guild.
I’ve mentioned before how I was excited and ready for Cataclysm and had high hopes for myself and my improvements in game play. But shortly after the expansion launched, my guild was consumed by drama. I remained cool and fairly optimistic. After all, it’s only a game, right? Unfortunately, less than a week later, it hit too close to home for me to remain cool and optimistic. For the first time ever, I was upset, stressed out, and depressed about the World of Warcraft. Now for the record, I remain friends with the GM I mentioned in that last post and shortly after this particular post was published we talked about it. She was upset that I was upset and she felt a bit misrepresented. Which I freely admitted was probably true. I also admitted I had written that post just an hour or two after everything went down and I allowed my hurt feelings to rule the pen more than I should have. But I decided not to alter the post in any way because that’s a reflection of a moment in time for me. That’s exactly how I felt and it sucked.
Fast forward a couple of months and you’ll find me still upset. How ridiculous is that? Not badly upset, just a touch. I get a tinge of jealousy when I hear about how the people who left me are having such a good time. I know I shouldn’t take it personally and I know they aren’t trying to make me feel bad at all. But knowing those things doesn’t make it suck any less. Some people might say I should just break contact and then I won’t know how much fun they are having. But I don’t want to. I enjoy the small conversations I get to have with the people I miss so badly. So I guess I actually am torturing myself. Now I just have to figure out what to do about it. Somewhere lost in the midst of all this is the fact that I really REALLY wanted to concentrate on raiding more than I ever have. Guild runs were basically out the window, so I pugged my way through enough randoms to get geared up for heroics. I survived my first pugged heroic with only a slight problem with an asshole dpser after we made it through the final boss. The next pugged heroic didn’t go as well. We lost 2 tanks and 1 dps and then wiped repeatedly before we finally all agreed we didn’t even want to do it anymore. I did get a few good heroics in with a former guild officer and her husband who keeps in touch with me and invited me along for a few runs. But then heroics just sort of came to a standstill for me. I’m too nervous as a resto druid to pug them, so I’ve essentially just quit. It’s not like I’m going to have a chance to do any raiding anyway. Now Elfi just farms herbs and does some dailies.
I know what you’re thinking, why am I spending $15 a month to be not happy? Well like I said at the beginning, it sort of just now donned on me this weekend how I was feeling. And like I also said, I’m not necessarily unhappy. When there are a few people logged into the guild we have some good chats… while I’m standing in SW not doing anything and not running any 5mans. You have to understand, none of this has anything to do with any of my guildmates. They have done nothing wrong, we’ve been scraping ourselves up off the ground and we’re actually standing quite tall. It’s just that there’s not very many of us. I’m afraid there may not be enough of us for me to get what I want from the game.
So why don’t I join another guild? Maybe the guild where I know some people and keep hearing about how awesome it is? Well, because I have a lot of thinking to do. There’s one little hitch there that is like a splinter in my mind and I have to decide if it’s going to remain a splinter or not. Also, I’m one of the most fiercely loyal people you will ever meet. I always have been. No matter where I work or what type of group I’m in, I am proud of it til the very end. So I really have to weigh things out. Problem in this situation is I am fiercely loyal to my guild… but it was partially based on my fierce loyalty to my GM and even though she’s now gone, if I’m being truthful, I still feel some loyalty towards her.
At this point I should probably say that I know there is at least one of my guildmates who reads this blog. Kimber, I love you babe. I want to assure you I have not made a decision to leave the guild. Nor have I made a decision to roll a new toon in another guild on our server. I am thinking about possibly doing one of those two things. But if it happens you guys will get advanced notice, I will not discuss it here until I’ve discussed it with the guild, and I will provide lengthy explanations. Right now there’s nothing for you guys to worry about. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.
So that’s the current state of Elfi’s World. The shit ain’t pretty right now. I was so emo about it this weekend (also blaming hormones) that because I had planned to play the whole weekend and then realized I kind of didn’t want to talk to anyone, I actually rolled a Goblin Hunter on a different server and just enjoyed having fun and not watching guild chat or looking for old friends in SW. It was relaxing. The Goblin starting area is the most fun I’ve ever had while leveling a baby toon. But I’m a social person and that’s not gonna cut it as a permanent solution. Although I did talk Kimber into rolling a Goblin over there with me and the two of us had our own little personal leveling party all weekend and had a total blast. I thought briefly about how it might be nice to just never go back to my home server and instead stay here in this new place and make new friends and start over. But I could NEVER do that. Azuremyst is my home. And I am way too addicted to Elfindale and my other toons (even though I suck at leveling them) to ever abandon them. So for now I guess I’m just taking a small break from the norm. I will continue working on the Goblin until something clicks in my head and I finally sort this mess out.